I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
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my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…