I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
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BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!