Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

I got bills

They’re multiplying

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.