I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
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Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
waiting for halloween be like:
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?