Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

did it work

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo