Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No