Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

Anime is real

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.