i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
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Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.