Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.