i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
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Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”