i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
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me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
can’t talk my ride’s here
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns