Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

You deplete me

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

oh you like nyc? name every rat

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

Me when I’m ovulating

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)