Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather