I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
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Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
thanksgiving in nutshell