i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st
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I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
