Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

I’d hang this in my house.

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

“That’s what” – She

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift