I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
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They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
You know…for fall…
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Friends that check up on you >
well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about
I am putting on so many clothes
*cold weather sext
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.