I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
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When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too