Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

I missed you with all my darts

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

*pronounces surface like Versace*

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”