Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

[sees giant spider in house]

[tells girlfriend “I got this”]

[slowly rolls up magazine]

[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.