I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
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[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda