Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This chloroform smells expensiv…

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?