I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
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7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners