I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
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Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Meeeee too!
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
it is time once again
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I feel seen.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not