I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
You Might Also Like
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?