I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
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Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
🌱🌱🌱
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I need to sieze this.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Stop being racist to kettles.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Good morning, Twitter x
become ungovernable
