Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?