I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
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Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success