I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
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I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
These aliens are taking forever.