I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
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Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
You were the one.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
three things we don’t talk about
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.