Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

Netflix and you sit over there.

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

Introverted vegans go meetless

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political