I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
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one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.