I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
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[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children