Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”