I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
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Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
Pigeon open mic night.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”