I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
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[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
My beach vacation Google searches
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree