Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

This did not end as expected.

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs