I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
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I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.