Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”