Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

Why are bridges so flammable.

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

What the dentist sees

Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder