Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

Donating blood today to make room for more food

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.