I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
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ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I think the cat got the dog high.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Interior design 👌
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit