I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
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Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin