Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

*walks into a room full of people*

*looks around*

*answers fake phone call*

*leaves*

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

(Adobe CEO’s house)

Like the new couch hun?

Update it.

What about the wallpap…

UPDATE IT ALL.

You’re scaring the ki…

UPDATE THEM TOO…

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic

sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

Cartman: Respect my
a a

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.