I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
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gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
sometimes we need to be reminded
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.