I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
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Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.