“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
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coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
My life is fraught with reality
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *