Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

[sees giant spider in house]

[tells girlfriend “I got this”]

[slowly rolls up magazine]

[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

This kid is a star!

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”