“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
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The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
#gardening
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐