*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
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Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.