Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

me: I miss handshakes

cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)

I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)

Bless you

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?