I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
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My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Where’s my employee discount too?
