Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

i- i did not expect this

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.