Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

The cashier just checked me out.

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.