Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

Straight people are cancelled

“That sucked.”

-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG