Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife bought one pallet of Uncrustables for our doomsday bunker. One pallet. I guess she thinks the apocalypse is gonna last two days.

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.