“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
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Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?