Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

watergate? u mean a dam??

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

Rich People Podcasts are wild.