I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
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My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*