I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
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GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
💀💀
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog