Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

If looks could kill

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.