Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

shit, they caught us—run!!!

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.