I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
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Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here