Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

God: Give them free will

Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”

God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal