I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
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*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
If a snake ate a cake
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”