I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
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Give us this day our daily internet validation
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
🔦🌙👣
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I’m tired tomorrow.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?