Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?