Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

Already got one

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.