I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
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Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….