Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.