I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
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Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Free him
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions