Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad