Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

Angel: so what are these?

God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need

Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it

God: that’s a potato

Angel: it must be really good for you then

God: lol…no

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”