I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
You Might Also Like
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.