Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script