I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
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Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.